On trying to not feel like a failure

After my trip to Mexico I did a lot of thinking on if I should continue my whole planned trip or not. I decided I would still go to Hawaii since I would be meetibg my friend Jenni there for a race, and then planned to go to Australia and then Fiji for a couple days after that. But while I was in Hawaii and was even with one of my friends, we still had plenty of moments during the day where we were like ok well now what should we do. Maybe it was that way out of a lack of planning our days, but after even having moments of not knowing what to do I realized I would be even more lost and semi bored while on my own. Sure I could meet people to talk to on different excursions and what not, but I guess it really isn’t the same as being with someone you actually know – which is what my friend Julie had tried explaining to me while I was planning my whole trip and then just didn’t want to listen. So after Hawaii I decided to come back home because I was already ready to go home at that point. 

Since I got home, I haven’t really told anyone that I got home and some of my friends have taken that offensively and are annoyed that I failed to tell them I was home when I got home and rather found out by other means like Instagram. I didn’t publicly tell anyone and it’s not really something you want to just start a conversation with saying hey so you know how I had this whole big trip planned? Well ya now I’m home instead. Since I got home, I’ve struggle a little bit with trying to figure out what I really want to do with my life and don’t want to come across as I always have these big plans and then fail to execute them because I back out in the end. But I feel like thats what I do a lot of the times, and then it makes me feel like I am failing to finish something I’ve started. I’ve done it plenty of other times with many other things like failing to finish grad school, failing to finish a marathon, failing to actually make the decision to study abroad for grad schools that I got accepted to, and who knows what other random lottle things. This weekend I failed to make it to one of my friends graduate parties from college and managed to disappoint her as well.

Despite all that, I try to stay on the positive side of what things I have accomplished so far and know that if I failed at finsihed all those things then there must be a reason why I failed all those things. Like because I decided to come home after Hawaii, I was able to see my new little cousins Micheal while he is still little rather than once hes almost half a year old, and I got to see my cousin Catie marry her new husband Billy this weekend, which is something I would have missed if I was gone. And this August my Dad and sister are planning to run in the Falmouth Road Race for the first time – which is something I’ve done the past 2 years – and now this year I will get to run the Falmouth Road Race with them. 

I guess I thought it would be easier to be traveling on my own than it really was, and sure I might’ve gotten used to it after awhile, but instead I decided to come back home and try to figure out that next stepping stone and will plan further adventures to go to all the places I have missed over the next couple years rather than all at once. Sometimes it’s ok to say you failed at something you thought you would be great at, and I have finally come to accept that.

4 thoughts

  1. I think as long as you are happy with your decision, that’s all that really matters. I don’t see it as a failure… you just knew what was best for you in the end. You’ll get there. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. As they said for the Apollo mission, “Failure is not an option” and I don’t think you should let yourself even think for a second about using the word failure. You made the decision for yourself and should be proud that you were able to do so before the trip! I am sure everything will work out and you’ll figure out why it wasn’t meant to be at this time.

    Liked by 1 person

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